Landover Baptist's New Concentration Campus for Divorees:

    NO VACANCY!

    "If we expect the unsaved to live by the Bible, it seemed like a good idea for Christians to finally start doing that, too. And the Bible is clear -- no divorce."

The welcoming entrance to the beautifully landscaped Landover Bapitst internment campus for divorced women. Over 1,200 women were relocated to this facility under the church's new "Till Death Do You Part" program.
    FREEHOLD, IOWA (AP). In a prompt response to the Dale vs. Boy Scouts of America decision, in which the Supreme Court ruled that private organizations can hate anyone they want to hate, Landover Baptist had a surprise in store Friday morning for many residents of Freehold, Iowa. Over two hundred so-called "wives" were roused from sleep between 3:00am and 4:30am to the sound of their front doors being kicked in by Mrs. Judy O'Christian. They were then soundly rebuked, allowed a moment to comb out their hair and then taken to Freehold Train Depot in church minivans. There, they were loaded into boxcars for the 49-hour journey to their new home at Landover Baptist Internment Campus For Divorced Women in Manzanar, California.

    The early-morning suburban raid was carried out by a Christian SWAT team armed only with semiautomatics and King James Bibles. It marked the first deployment of Operation "Till Death Do You Part." As Pastor Deacon Fred explained in a press release: "The New Testament is very clear in Matthew 5:32. A divorced woman is a harlot and adulterer. And if we are going to be kicking homosexuals out of our pup tents, you can bet, as sure as shooting, we are going to be kicking harlots out of our homes!"

    All of the women rounded up and removed were living in sin as adulterers with second (shockingly, sometimes third) husbands. They will be held at the Landover Baptist Internment Campus For Divorced Women until they can be repatriated with the only husband God recognizes (their first) and the illegitimate offspring of any unholy union can be placed in like-raced Christian homes. Some of the women objected to going back to their first husbands, but were told they would have plenty of time to change their minds while they made "WWJD?" merchandise that would be sold in the Landover Baptist gift shop.


    Pastor Goeth interrogates a guest of the campus, who has just been shorn of her vanity (1 Timothy 2:9), about the whereabouts of her first husband. Assistant Deacons stand by, eager to provide whatever assistance is necessary in gaining this vital information.

    "We decided to make the raid on Crystal Night, which is the time once a year when our church, out of Christian charity, gives a stem of Waterford (Mauve pattern) to the destitute to start their collection," Betty Bowers told Connie Chung from a reconnaissance helicopter. "People need to understand that just because you don't have any food is no reason not to set a lovely table. We surprised these wanton divorcees while they are sleeping. We learned that little trick from Janet Reno. Fortunately, we were dealing with Iowans, not hysterical, media-savvy Cubans. Initially, I was opposed to breaking down their front doors because it smacked of bad manners, but when the Lord comes knocking, He means business."

    "Now I love Betty, but she is a little dainty sometimes," laughed Mrs. Judy O'Christian, who was placed in charge of entry into homes targeted for sin-intervention. "She wasn't crazy about my approach at first, but it's like I always say, if you are going to stop folks from sinning you need to be willing to kick a few doors in. My boys are grown now, but when they were young, I'd slam a foot right through their bedroom door the second I thought either of them was touching themselves in a way that would make Jesus nervous."

      Pastor Rich watches as the home of an obstreperous divorcee burns to the ground. "Four flame-throwers had been activated before we realized she was just reaching for a breath mint. It is unfortunate, but look at it this way, she was going to burn anyway."

    Seventy-five years ago, Landover Baptist Church owned almost 80% of Freehold. Over the years, this land has been sold to raise money for projects for the glory of God, such as Pastor's 27-room belle époque residence on artificial Lake Saviorwalksupon. Each deed was transferred subject to a restrictive covenant that required that the property not be used for sin or in contravention of God's law. Christian lawyer Douglas Crowther, now eighty, recalls: "I did most of them closings and I remember each and every one of them. How could I forget? Every one of those deeds had a fifteen pound black leather Bible stapled to it as 'Godly Exhibit A.'"

    It was the violation of this restrictive covenant that allowed Project "Till Death Do You Part" to spirit away sinners in the night and restore Christian values to their community. "If we just sat back and let these trollops go about their gardening," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "we would be as lazy in our faith as those type of so-called "Christians" who just let Jews go on being Jews. Sleeping on those 18-to-a-room wooden bunk beds, those harlots don't know it now, but they will be grateful to us come Judgment Day for getting them right with the Lord. According to the Campus Director, they are acting very ungrateful now, but we expect no thanks in this life. Our reward awaits us in God's glory!"

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