President Bush Releases Billions To Religion-Based Charities
Mrs. Betty Bowers used newly available government funds to purchase something her Christian ministry desperately needed to help the less fortunate -- a third Gulfstream V. "There were Christians in my ministry," lamented Mrs. Bowers, "sharing a fuselage with people they didn't even know!"
WASHINGTON –– Last week, President Bush inaugurated his new "Faith-Based Charity" program by opening Treasury Department checking accounts in the names of several prominent Christians. In doing so, the President pointed out that the federal government making billions of unaudited dollars available to Christian churches and television ministries should not be characterized by secular cynics as promoting any particular brand of religion.

"You see, I doesn't matter in this great country of ours if you are Methodist, Episcopalian or Baptist," President Bush told attendees of a recent National Prayer Breakfast. "Hells bells, you can even be one of them crazy snake-handling, tongue-talking, full-of-the-Spirit Pentecostals if you want to. That's just how wide open this whole thing is! I pledge to you in the name of my favorite philosopher Jesus Christ, our only Lord and Savior, that we welcome all types of prayers, folks. You don't even need to mention Jesus in your prayer to qualify. Some folks, who share a different type of faith than mine are more comfortable simply referring to Him as 'Him.' And that is what makes this country great. We respect each other's differences."

Mrs. Betty Bowers immediately wrote herself a check for $17,000,000.00, half of which will go to renovating the Manhattan headquarters of the Mrs. Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whore Ministry. "We, of course, don't allow any of the girls in that facility," admitted Mrs. Bowers. "I mean, it is Park Avenue, but it is important for the self-esteem of trash to know that we don't scrimp in their name." Mrs. Bowers immediately wrote herself another check to go towards administrative costs for her sprawling tax-free Christian ministry, including Biederimeier-style inlay for the interior of her new ministry Gulfstream V, which will be commissioned one day a month to deliver to people who live on the streets of our cities alarm clocks so they aren't underfoot when real people are trying to get to work.

Mrs. Bowers also said that she would use some of the money to invite the homeless to prayer breakfasts. "Just so that people don't accuse us of trying to take advantage of hungry people to use government money to proselytize, even though that is what our Savior commanded, the prayer at our breakfasts is strictly voluntary," cautioned Mrs. Bowers. "If you don't want to eat, no one will force you to pray."

Mrs. Bowers' told reporters that the government-sponsored meals would consist of a basket containing fish and loaves of bread. "No religious motif, of course, is intended, but if this particular menu happens to remind one of the Baptist servers of any particular anecdote, and they wish to spontaneously regale the hungry with it as a prelude to actually handing over the food, then there is certainly nothing I can do to stop them!" added Mrs. Bowers with a civilized laugh.

"I have set aside $3,250,000 in government funds Mr. Bush gave me to distribute dolls in my likeness to little homeless ragamuffins in all fifty states -- so they can at least see what stylish mother looks like. And if you stick the pearls between your teeth to see if they are real, the doll says: 'Jesus is Lord!' It's just the cutest thing!"

-- Mrs. Betty Bowers

Katherine Harris, Florida Secretary of State, was on hand to fill out a check for $450,000. "Faith comes in all shapes and sizes," she said, while dabbing at some stray breadcrumbs on Jeb Bush's lower lip with her moistened index finger. "Sometimes, whether you are a filthy, disgusting street person – or a resourceful, photogenic Republican -- you just have to have faith that things will turn out your way – by hook or by crook. I have earmarked this money to completely renovate my kitchen with a Viking range, twin concealed Sub-Zeros and granite countertops. That way, on the off chance that I ever felt inclined to let a poor person into my lovely Christian home to feed them, I'd be in a better position to rustle them up something wonderful. What's left, I'm going to use to help those poor, backward Negroes in Miami-Dade to get out and travel by moving their nasty old polling stations to Pensacola."

Responding to criticism that the use of Christian organizations violates the so-called "separation of Church and State," Mr. Pat Robertson added: "I want to assure all unsaved nay-sayers that we won't allow this godly Republican government to promote any particular religion any more than we would allow the Christian Coalition to promote any particular political party. We aren't any more eager to violate the Constitution than we were to violate the tax-code. May I rot in Hell if I am telling a lie."

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