British Veterinarians Confirm:

The Lamb of God Has Foot-and-Mouth Disease

(LONDON) Department of Infectious Disease Epidemiology at Imperial College in London has confirmed that the recent epidemic of foot-and-mouth disease has spread to the Lamb of God. "This is a particularly virulent strain of foot-and-mouth," said epidemiologist Howard Campbell. "We've never seen it spread to allegorical animals before." Upon the release of the findings, all metaphoric livestock in the British Isles were immediately destroyed, starting with the black sheep of every household. "We are trying to separate the sheep from the goats, since, as usual, the scapegoats will be the first to go," declared Prime Minister Tony Blair. "We are putting a priority on locating any lost sheep, but have carefully tagged the offspring of Her Majesty the Queen to avoid inadvertently sending any of those useless buggers like sheep to slaughter."

In America, Southern Baptist churchgoers were startled by the news that not only had the Lamb of God tested positive for foot-and-mouth antibodies, but was apparently on the lam. On Monday, the Lamb of God was discovered by French customs officials while trying to slip into France on the Eurostar train, hidden in the Prada trunk of American Christian and socialite Mrs. Betty Bowers. "Honestly," said a beautifully turned out Mrs. Bowers in an exclusive interview with French Vogue, "Quelle surprise!
I had no idea He was in there. When I peeked in the trunk when we were leaving Claridge's, I just thought that Maria had packed my Yohji Yamamoto wool sweater!"

"We are warning everyone to wear protective gear when in possible contact with the Blood of the Lamb," said French authorities in Calais. "This includes being washed in the Blood of the Lamb, as well as less enthusiastic encounters. Although, as far as we know, simply pleading the power of the Blood of the Lamb appears to be safe as long as no bodily fluids are exchanged." Mary-worshipping Roman Catholics, the only denomination that actually drinks the Blood of the Lamb during services, have been sent special warnings to substitute South American goat's blood during mass until things blow over.

"This is really going to put a crimp in our Easter festivities," declared Pastor Deacon Fred of Landover Baptist, America's wealthiest church. "This isn't like eight years ago when the Lamb of God just got a bad case of the mange. We could work around that. But leave it to those pansies in England to ruin everything. Just because they can't raise cattle worth a lick, it looks like the whole Second Coming's going to be called off. That's why we always tell our farmers to practice abstinence -- it's the only way to be sure stuff like this doesn't spread like the clap in a Chinese whorehouse."


American Baptists, livid with the British for unleashing the horrible disease, were confounded in retaliatory imprecatory prayers. "I was going to pray like the dickens against those pasty little English fairies," said a frustrated Mrs. Judy O'Christian, "but I don't know a bad thing God hasn't already hit them with. Someone obviously already beat me to asking the Lord to give them bad weather, food and teeth!"
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