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Members of Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers threw themselves off a 41 story hotel roof yelling "Catch me, Jesus!" Jesus, however, was previously engaged, leaving the women to smash into the parking lot below. |
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W.W.J.D. Power and Associates has named Betty Bowers "Best Christian" in deity satisfaction. |
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Radio's nonsaved Jew's invitation to speak at Landover Baptist is withdrawn by Mrs. Bowers. "If we wanted sluts in our church, we'd be Catholic," Betty tells Schlessinger. Read the telephone transcript wherein Betty tells Ms. Schlessinger what real moral values are all about. |
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All church members who had tithed in excess of $144,000 (a dollar for each virgin man to ascend into Heaven per Revelation 14:3, as verified as being deposited in ready-funds by Andersen Consulting Switzerland) during Landover's past "spiritual" year were invited. |
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Landover Baptist's own Sister Taffy was recently named Mrs. Christian 1999, taking back to her lovely Christian home the sterling silver crucifix-scepter and Harry Winston diamond crown of thorns. Sister Taffy won the Talent portion of the contest by laying on hands and raising Mrs. Pentecostal, who had been killed moments earlier by snakes during her Talent performance, from the dead.
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Betty Bowers stuns Wall Street with her 3d quarter profit announcement. Market analysts noted that all other ex-gay ministries, including "Exodus" and "Stop Being A Damned Fag" had reported dismal returns. |
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When asked about her miracle, Mrs. Bowers demurred: "Miracle? Now, if you want to talk about my flawless skin-tone - now, that's a miracle! Dear, if a woman can't call in a few chits with her Personal Savior to ensure her son has a lovely vacation, what kind of mother would she be?" |
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Mrs. Bowers tells Katie Couric why it is with much Christian love that she hates homosexuals. |
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Reggie White is stoned by girls from Saving Love Until The Sacrament. Mrs. Bowers says: "I am sorry for what occurred, but, as I have told these girls on countless occasions, when your chastity is in peril, throw stones and ask questions later." |
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Mrs. Bowers is asked to replace Pat Robertson on the Laura Ashley board of directors. A company representative stated, "Not only does Mrs. Bowers have deeper pockets (this season), she comes with a fashion sense that, well, let's face it, Pat still wears a Johnny Carson Dacron jacket with white stitching." |
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