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RAVELLO, ITALY. (AP) Last night, the annual Landover Baptist Platinum Wings Tithers Dinner was held at Mrs. Betty Bowers' lovely 18th century villa in Ravello, Italy. By all accounts, it was a huge success. All church members who had tithed in excess of $144,000 (a dollar for each virgin man to ascend into Heaven per Revelation 14:3, as verified as being deposited in ready-funds by Andersen Consulting Switzerland) during Landover's past "spiritual" year were invited. These special contributors were driven by a fleet of white Rolls Silver Clouds chauffeured by "angels" to Landover Baptist's private tarmac to be flown to Italy in Landover's new custom "The Wings of Gabriel" Boeing 747-400. During the flight, catered by chef Jean Georges Vongerichten, Barbra Streisand regaled the flock with songs of praise. "She may be a Jewess," noted Pastor Deacon Fred, "but she sounds like an angel and will sing anything if the price it right."
Once in Italy, the honored guests were whisked past the tawdry poverty of Naples onto the scenic coastal road that runs down the Amalfi Coast, providing breathtaking vistas to the feted crowd. The highlight of the weekend was a sumptuous dinner at Mrs. Bowers' 7,600 square foot home Villa Cristo de Amalfi. "Roughly half the eligible Platinum tithers refused to attend," lamented Mrs. Bowers, stunning in a whimsical Comme des Garsons' Rei Kawakuba. "With it being the End Days, many were afraid of being caught overseas if the Lord came in judgment and started talking to them in Italian. I tried to explain that He would just know they weren't Italian, but to no avail. Others, have an intense hatred of the Italians because of their Mary worshipping. Some, just hate all foreign people. But, my thinking was, while the Italians are mostly going to Hell, that is no reason why we can't enjoy their food, wine, and scenery while I avail myself to their to-die-for system of entertainment expense tax deductions."
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Mrs. Betty Bowers on the terrace at her Villa Cristo de Amalfi
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Mrs. Bowers is wearing Elspeth Gibson, jeweled bag by Prada
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Jose Carreras and Placido Domingo sang Baptist hymns before dinner and local limbless acrobats regaled the diners after dessert with their colorful costumes and tumbling. "One of them armless Italians rolled right in between the balustrades and right down to the ocean," exclaimed Mrs. Taffy Davenport-Crockett-Gaines. "Over one thousand feet! I laughed so hard I almost coughed up my champagne!"
Before her guests returned to the United States, Mrs. Bowers had a lunch al fresco on her terrace, while her guests taunted neighbor Gore Vidal with epithets ("fag" and "sodomite" being the most popular) as he walked to his gate to let the cleaning lady in. After lunch, a local drab little Catholic woman with a mustache made the Virgin Mary appear in a bowl of fresh messe fascette, allowing the honored guests a moment to rebuke her as Jesus had done in Bible times before Mary retreated like a coward back into the al dente pasta. "It was just fabulous," said Mrs. Bowers "and a lovely way to end a convivial weekend of praise and pasta." |
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