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FREEHOLD, IOWA (AP). A student at Landover Baptist Christian Preschool was shot on Friday when a classmate's handgun went off during a Biblical puppet show. After prayer and a full investigation by Landover Baptist In-House Security, the child was rushed to Landover Baptist Pediatric Hospital, where he was immediately pronounced "gone to Jesus." Harebrained communist liberals immediately jumped on the incident as yet one more excuse to deprive Americans of the guns Jesus wants them to load and carry.
Appearing on CNN, Mrs. Betty Bowers was unapologetic. "All of our students are, of course, required to be armed at all times. And we have gone to great expense to protect our students from the unarmed. Indeed, the very latest metal detectors have been installed at all entrances to our schools. If a detector doesn't 'beep,' we know the student is unarmed and unable to defend themselves in a truly American manner -- and, therefore, a security threat to his little classmates. I don't know how this so-called 'victim' was allowed to slip into class without a handgun to defend himself from the Jesus puppet, but I blame the parents."
The child's teacher Mrs. Woodchester, recalling the shooting, said: "The puppet show was going really well. We were recounting Old Testament wrath to the delight of the youngsters. Even though it was the Old Testament, we still had a Jesus puppet because we are Christian and I just felt like the whole thing would be way too Jewish without Him. Anyway, God was killing whole villages of first-borns, but the Jesus puppet went off-scripture and started shooting. It's the third student I've lost this semester and it really makes me very, very angry. I mean, there is no excuse for parents not teaching their youngsters how to respect their weapons. The puppet didn't even fire a warning shot. But what can you do? Stop puppets from having guns? Require sissy safety locks? That makes no sense. That's just Clinton-Gore scare talk and my kindergarten students are all Republicans -- or I wouldn't have them in my class."
When reached at the Las Vegas International Gun Show where the family was recovering from their loss, the father was suitably contrite. "I don't know how Bobby got out of the house without a concealed weapon. Every morning, his mother always packs a sandwich, a banana, a bible and heat for each of our children. It must have fallen out on the bus. All I know is that if Bobby had had that little German beauty, he would have been able to return fire and would still be with us today. I can only hope that my other children can take Bobby's memory with them and learn from his mistake. I've told all of them: 'Always get the first shot. Because the first shot can sometimes be the last.' I think the fact that it was Jesus trying to kill him might have caught him off guard anyway. Not that I'm making excuses for him."
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