REGGIE WHITE IN SERIOUS CONDITION AFTER LANDOVER BAPTIST YOUTH GROUP STONES HIM
OLD IOWA (Knight Ridder). Former NFL football player and noted Friend Of Our Lord Reggie White is listed in serious condition at Landover Baptist Hospital for the Saved after being pelted by rocks just before he was scheduled to speak to a church youth group. Mrs. Betty Bowers had arranged for Mr. White to speak to her Landover young ladies ministry called Saving Love Until The Sacrament. "I started Saving Love Until The Sacrament to teach girls the joys of waiting to have sex until after the sacrament of marriage - and even longer if you know how to work it," said Mrs. Bowers when reached at her Manhattan co-op overlooking Central Park. "I wanted to also get some people in to discuss not yielding to even more pernicious temptations, such a wild, sweaty, delirious gay, sexual abandon. I thought, who better to talk about it than someone who seems to be always thinking about men ravaging each other? So, I called Friend Of Our Lord Reggie White."

But in her excitement to have Mr. White speak to Saving Love Until The Sacrament, Mrs. Bowers forget to tell the Landover girls group that their guest was a black man. "I had meant to warn them, but just got distracted at Cartier and forgot," says Mrs. Bowers. "You have to understand, I live in Atlanta much of the year and I am used to seeing colored people. But these delicate Iowa flowers of Christ have never seen a black man - except when Pastor does a police-style line-up whenever something's missing from the church gift store." When asked what the girls were doing with so many stones, Mrs. Bowers said: "I encourage the girls to carry at least one sturdy stone in their purse, so that there is less room for condoms and in case the urge for some Old Testament righteousness hits them and they are left without anything to use to enforce God's Law. And let's be honest, it's hard to kill someone with a pack of mints!" Apparently, when the girls in Saving Love Until The Sacrament saw Mr. White approaching them in the sanctuary, they panicked and began showering him with a hail of rocks. All of the girls in Saving Love Until The Sacrament were able to retrieve their stones, as each of them had showed enough forethought to write her name on each stone with nail-polish. "Had there been a death," Officer McPatrick, complimenting the girls, said, "the nail polish would have made identifying the actual killer a snap."

Landover girls' youth group Saving Love Until The Sacrament reacts to seeing a black man for the first time

Mrs. Bowers is reported to have told Mr. White that he will not be paid for his appearance as he didn't actually speak to the girls. "I am sorry for what occurred, but, as I have told these girls on countless occasions, when your chastity is in peril, throw stones and ask questions later. If you give a concussion to the wrong guy, that is what Christ's forgiveness is for in the first place."

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(c) 2000 Betty Bowers