In Response to Senator Jeffords' Defection, Democrats Cancel Contract on Strom Thurmond's Life

Jesse Helms is also Allowed to Lose His Mind on His Own Time

(WASHINGTON, DC) Now that they control the Senate in defiance of God's Will, Demoncrats lost no time in getting down to their filthy business. Majority Leader Tom Daschel remarked to CNN: "Well, we're all a bit surprised by this turn of events. It hasn't turned out quite like we had anticipated. To be honest, we'd told everyone that we planned on taking over control soon. Strom Thurmond had said, 'Over my dead body' and we told him that was sort of what we had in mind!"

Since the last election, which left the balance of power between the two parties at a tenuous equilibrium, Demoncrats have been circling like vultures over the ancient, arthritic Christian Republicans, Senators Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond. Speaking without realizing his mike was on, Tom Daschel turned to Senator Gephardt and added: "I guess the first thing we need to do -- after calling the White House and asking if Shubya, the guy who can't even reach out to his own party is home -- is save ourselves $10,000 and get in touch with Vinnie Gottini and tell him the contract on Strom is off."

Word immediately got back to 98-year-old Senator Thurmond's camp that the previously suspected contract had been rescinded. The South Carolina senator's 17-year-old wife, Trixie, found in a Spartanburg mall, though initially sullen, was elated in time for the five o'clock news. "Oh, I just want to hug that traitor Jeffords' neck! I can't tell you how it warms my heart that my husband can now go out into our backyard to use the outhouse without any more fear of death," she said between bites of her corndog. "Well, I mean, any more fear of death than is usual for someone almost dead anyway. It troubled us a whole bunch that we knew the Demoncrats had a contract out on Strom's life. The anticipation and not knowing exactly when it was going to happen darn near drove me crazy. It's not easy picking outfits every morning when you know you can end up on the national news that night. I was constantly washing my more somber tube-top. Now I know how Nicole Kidman feels! Fortunately for Strom, he acted as if he was oblivious to the whole awful thing. Of course, to be honest, he is oblivious to whether he is even wearing pants at this point in his long life."

Senator Jesse Helms who is also very elderly and has been haunted by rumors of chronic Alzheimer's since he was 12, fueled gossip last month that Democrats were attempting to gain control of the Upper Chamber by having him killed. "I got me this new nurse Yolanda and I just knew she was a Democrat operative," said Mr. Helms before nodding off to sleep. When asked what had tipped him off that his nurse wasn't a Republican, Senator Helms drooled for twenty minutes and said: "I could tell by the way she looked at me when I was talking about them coloreds who work the yard. I'd talk about them boys and she'd give me the PC evil eye. No godly Republican would do that! She's probably some euthanasia expert that Daschel brought in from a boot camp Dr. Kevorkian has somewheres. Well, I didn't get to be a Senator from North Carolina by being stupid. I out-smarted the little vixen. Since she has been working here, I ain't taken one single so-called "heart pill" she's given me! Ha!"

When pressed by Larry King, Tom Daschel scoffed at the idea that Democrats had paid someone to end Mr. Thurmond's life. "Look, the guy's almost one hundred, for Christsake," laughed Mr. Daschel. "Why pay someone to do today for what the Lord will do tomorrow for free?"

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