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FREEHOLD, IOWA (AP). Claire Williams accidentally died last Monday during routine disciplining at Landover Baptist School after she was caught coveting during lunch. The five-year-old girl was buried yesterday at Landover Baptist's exclusive Saved Souls Christian Cemetery. Within half an hour of little Claire being lowered into the rich Iowa soil, gravediggers were summoned back to the lovely cemetery to reopen her freshly covered plot, cart the corpse away in a wheelbarrow and sandblast her name off the marble headstone.
"They seemed like a charming, Christian family so, naturally, it all came as a great surprise to me," Betty Bowers told her friend Diane Sawyer on ABC's 20/20 while defending the abrupt decision to remove the child's corpse. "When I arrived at the cemetery, I had someone from my entourage immediately go over and try to calm down the seemingly inconsolable mother with a blue mercy pill -- something I'd confiscated from Whitney Houston when she tried to sing at a soiree I had last week. I mean to tell you, if that little pill did only half of what it did to Miss Houston, I can assure you, the mother won't feel any pain for weeks! When it seemed that the mother had calmed down to the point where she wasn't going to be laborious to talk with, I went over to offer Christian comfort. And to suggest a foundation not quite so terra-cotta. I mean, there she was, everyone she knew watching, and she looked like a veiled flower pot. I was just trying to be helpful, but what do you say to a mother who has just lost a child? The last time I'd been in that situation it was when I spoke with dear Sister-in-Christ Patsy Ramsey. But Mrs. Williams hadn't strangled her little daughter so my 'just try not to kill the other one' speech seemed out of place."
Mrs. Bowers comforted the deceased's mother by observing that at least her daughter had accepted Jesus before she died and could, therefore, be buried with saved people. Landover Baptist's Saved Souls Christian Cemetery prides itself in having never let an indigent or hell bound soul sully its soil during its entire 145 year history. "This is a resting place for true Christians," observed Honorary Pastor Harry Hardwick, waving his hand in the direction of perfectly manicured acres of greenery peppered with marble monuments and mausoleums, some the size of convenience stores. "If you want to bury trash, find yourself a landfill."
Because only the saved can be buried in Landover Baptist Saved Souls Christian Cemetery, verified proof is required that the deceased had accepted Jesus Christ as their Personal Savior before the earth can be turned. "We are very thorough about this," stated an emphatic and beautifully turned out Mrs. Bowers. "Especially when youngsters are involved. If parents will lie to get their child into Landover Pre-K Private School, they will kill to get their child in this cemetery! Just ask Patsy. It is really outrageous some of the stories we hear. Just last month, a mother came to me and told me that her one year old had accepted Jesus as his Personal Savior! Can you believe that? I just laughed in her face. Like a one year old could even talk! I told her, 'Your child was too young to know the difference between salt and pepper, much less Satan and Jesus!' But, of course, it is not enough for parents to prove that their child can talk -- they need to prove that the child has actually accepted Jesus as their Personal Savior. And not in that disingenuous way children have of saying something just to get a cookie or something. Because Jesus knows the difference -- and if He doesn't, I do. But Claire's parents had completed the appropriate affidavits, which were witnessed by her doctor and her rifle instructor."
"Well, finally Mrs. Williams stopped her crying and seemed to be feeling better knowing that Claire was with Jesus," said Mrs. Bowers. "It was only moments later that I began to realize that we had all been duped. As I was walking to my Bentley, Claire's kindergarten teacher, Leslie Waite, came over and complimented me, pointing out that no one has worn black as well since Audrey Hepburn donned Givenchy in the opening to Breakfast at Tiffany. I thought that was rather astute of her to notice. Anyway, she also said something about the sweet things I'd said to Claire's mother." It was at this time that the teacher informed Mrs. Bowers that the Williams' daughter was severely retarded.
"She could never really understand what was going on," said Mrs. Waite, "but she always seemed so happy. It was a joy to have her in my class. She was so filled with love." Immediately upon hearing this, Mrs. Bowers turned around and called out to Pastor Deacon Fred: "Pastor, there has been a horrible mistake." Rushing over to the gravesite, Mrs. Bowers called back the attendees who had started dispersing: "Dig that little sinner up this instant! She has not accepted Jesus! She didn't have the mental capacity to accept a compliment, much less a Savior." With a beautiful black raw-silk Prada glove pointing at the topsoil covering Claire's little casket, Mrs. Bowers decreed: "You are unsaved! Be gone to Satan unclean one!"
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"If you want to bury trash, find yourself a landfill."
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After the exhumation, Ladies of Landover president Sister Taffy observed: "It is really sad that this happened. But those groundskeepers are so good, you'll never even know where the hole was dug by this time next week. They are the same Mexicans who patched my hubby's putting green in the back yard when our dog Christchild tried to bury a burnt offering -- they are absolute surgeons with sod if you don't let them near tequila!"
"I'm just glad Betty was on the ball, as usual," added Judy O'Christian. "I mean, my family plot is right next to the Williams, and my dear departed parents wouldn't let a Non-Christian within 10 feet of them even when they were alive! I will certainly rest easier now that I can turn the kitchen tap tonight safe in the knowledge that there isn't an unsaved person buried below the Landover water table. Praise the Lord!"
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