Dear True Christians and Real Americans:

Well, I watched President Bush's State of the Union address last night. “Our nation is at war, our economy is in recession and the civilized world faces unprecedented dangers!” No wonder the President's niece Noelle was in such a rush to load up on Xanax! Poor thing. (More, of course, on her later – solely out of Christian concern, mind you.)

Apparently nostalgic for a time when the wars were more convenient to get to, the President kept mentioning "Tara." As a member of God's Own Party, I really don't care where this so-called "war" is or whose landscaping we ruin – just as long as we can string it out until after the next elections. Praise!

In the face of death threats from nuts killing for God, our reasoned response has been to return the favor and adopt the Lord as our own bellicose mascot. The President intoned: "Especially in tragedy... God is near." As I watched the World Trade Center towers crumble in the faith-based initiate on September 11, I, too, thought "God is near." Sort of like Robert Wagner, standing on the deck of the Splendor with a martini – passive, yet near, as dear Natalie Wood flailed away.

As a rather adept marketer of Christianity, I applaud the use of any pithy catchphrase. Nevertheless, is it just me or does anyone else notice that when the President says, "Let's roll!" he looks as if he is about to reach instinctively for a Zip-loc bag and a packet of Zig Zag papers?

As we all know, children's learning is so important to my dear friend the First Lady that she has devoted almost 3.5% of her life to teaching in schools. After Columbine and all the other horrible incidents in the past several years, I was somewhat surprised that the President didn't devote more time to talking about our nation's schools – other than to say "Thousands of dangerous killers, schooled in the methods of murder are like ticking time bombs set to go off without warning."

Did any of you see Linda Lay, the wife of the ex-chairman of Enron, on the Today Show this week? Just seeing my poor sister-in-Christ Linda crying on morning television, telling everyone how she has been wiped out almost broke my Christian heart. Some of you may scoff at her plight, but you have no idea what it is like to be shopping at Prada or Lamborghini, go to write a check and have to try to remember those unwieldy numbers they put on those Swiss or Cayman Islands bank accounts! No wonder she is furious with her husband: it must be horrible to know you can buy an island in the Bahamas, but not pick up the check at the local steak house because everything you own is "off shore."

Several of you have written to me asking why I haven't done a film review of "The Lord of the Rings." Well, the reason was quite simple. I didn't need to sit through a three-hour movie to learn the power of quality jewelry.

PRUDES: Patriotic Republicans Unctuously Dressing Erotic Statues

I'm sure that all of you heard the news this week that Pentecostal-raised John Ashcroft finds the semi-undressed FDR-era statues in the lobby of the Justice Building so pornographic that $8,000 drapes have been ordered to rectify their egregious immodesty. Well, naturally, this is just the first step in cleaning up the filth that passes for public art in this country. Learn about the new GOP task force PRUDES!

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Betty Bowers Keeps White House Visitors From Slipping in President's Pretzel & Beer Vomit

After seeing President Bush's badly bruised face last week, it was clear to me that during the State of the Union address, he was wearing more foundation than a pack of Tijuana hookers. While the skeptical public was fed the pretzel story, followers of the Betty Bowers Ministry can find out what really happened:

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Porn-Again Christians Reach Out to Unsaved Pornography Addicts

While John Ashcroft tries to sanitize depictions of humans in a state of undress, other Christians are getting naked and rather raunchy for the Lord!

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Reaching Out: The First Lady's Message to Victims of the Enron Collapse

Who said America's First Family isn't sympathetic to the plight of people they forgot to call to tell them to sell their Enron stock? Join Laura Bush in the East Wing Crafts Room to learn fabulous things to do with your now worthless stock!

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So close to Jesus, He told me where Osama bin Laden is (but drew a blank when I asked about Dick Cheney),

Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian

A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'après vivre