The stock market is crashing, the Middle East is imploding and high-profile kidnappings are exceeding available time-slots for Movies of the Week! Isn't it wonderful?

As True Christians, we know that the more calamities that occur, the more people who die gruesome deaths, the more sorrow that is inflicted on those who seem to have already borne more grief than they could possibly endure, only brings a bigger, more satisfied smile to the ruddy faces of Fundamentalist Christians everywhere. For, truly, their rupture is our Rapture! Each frightening thing that happens to people we wouldn't socialize with anyway is only one more sign that the Lord is getting ready to make happen what He's been itching to do since the Great Flood – destroy the World. And He's not about to let George W. Bush beat Him to it!

Since we are living in these turbulent End Times, what is a sensible True Christian to do? Well, if you are the leader of the Free-Fall World, you take a month-long vacation, of course! Mr. Bush, a True Christian and a believer in End Times, learned his lesson last year. If he hadn't frittered away a leisurely four weeks in August 2001 playing ranchhand, he might have squandered time responding to warnings about highjackers! If his native inattentiveness had been held in check, the most certain sign of the coming Apocalypse might never have been allowed to occur on September 11! Need you ask why we True Christians love the man?

To ensure that the president does nothing to impede the Lord's plan to spin the World into chaos, his True Christian handlers thought that it was once again an opportune time to run off to his family's legendary long-loved, three-year-old ranch to shoot rabbit and pop cans.

Being on rebuking terms with First Lady, Laura Bush, I was able to get my hands on an exclusive peek at her "To Do" list for the month-long trip to the ranch. Click on Laura's fabulous, formal belt to see her list: 

Every night on the news in the past several weeks, someone has been attributing the rescues of miners and kidnap victims to the Lord. As a consequence, people with less faith than mine – well, people – have allowed themselves a dangerous lapse into the folly of logic. They wonder: "If God is all-powerful, always watching and inclined to intervene, isn't it axiomatic that if God always gets credit for those who live, He should also get the blame for those who die?"

As a True Christian, I know to greet the specter of annoying logic with intrusive inquires about the speaker's personal appearance, a flurry of overly loud recitations or, if there are no witnesses (be mindful of security cameras), a withering slap with a soft Italian kid glove. Some of you, however, might not be so cagey or conversant in the wiles employed to avoid intrusive scrutiny. Therefore, you may wish to read the eye-opening story about the little girl in the wishing well:

Just this morning, a True Christian reader wrote to me (seriously). With the utmost sincerity she asked me why there are people who take the time to create elaborate websites that mock Fundamentalist Christians. While, gratefully, I have no idea which odious website she apparently stumbled upon, I was able to give her my thoughts on a True Christian response to such deplorable shenanigans:

My Christian Couture Shop has a new line of charming t-shirts proclaiming "I gave myself to Jesus . . . but now He never calls."

You can look at styles, prices and sizes, by clicking on the image below:

While our President has chosen to frolic in the dusty prairie of Texas while the world about us collapses, the creation scientists at Landover Baptist University for the Saved are being much more proactive in egging on the advent of End Times! After a careful reading of Revelation, they noted with alarm that they are yet to see any flying horses – a certain harbinger of the Lord's fiery rage. To remedy this oversight – and to get the Apocalypse on an accelerated schedule – they have been busy coaxing stables-full of thoroughbred horses to fly off of the sides of barns. Regrettably, none has yet to cooperate (Note to Martha Stewart: lose the Elmer's Glue stock, dear). Nevertheless, the creation scientists remain undaunted. You can read about their glorious effort:

Since the world is about to blow up into billions of molten pieces (which should be spectacular from my sprawling manse in Heaven – I was proactive enough to request "Apocalypse View" accommodations before they were all eagerly taken), this may be the last time I write to all of you dear, lovely people. (Of course, if you hear from me next month, you can rest assured that the behind-schedule Lord will have gotten an earful from me in-between time!)

So close to Jesus, He's already told me the names of the men Julia Roberts and Jennifer Lopez DON'T end up marrying,

America's Best Christian

A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'après vivre