Goodness me, our breezily indolent President certainly deserves an interminable string of vacations from the pressures of Washington and reality! After all, he must be rendered drunk(er) with glee now that his painstakingly improvisational plan to recast Iraq in America's image is making such serendipitous progress. Friends, mark my inerrant words: soon, Iraq will join America in also being a brittle theocracy so bilious in partisan distain that it too will one day get civilized enough to tear the mothers of dead soldiers to pieces. Iraq will, however, have an advantage over us. In a contemptuous show of one-upmanship, they have three, not two, sides that loathe, distrust and refuse to speak to anyone who questions their ferocious correctness.

As the President said today, in response to the Iraq Constitutional imbroglio: "The Iraqis are making substantial and real progress." Well, no clear-eyed international yenta could disagree. Regrettably, it is progress that is limited to disagreeing over paperwork that dots the foreheads and crosses the opposition, which is always the theological precursor to a truly effective and prolonged civil war.

With all this turmoil overseas, it is rather reassuring to see that Pat Robertson's prayer death squads have branched out and are now turning their vindictive beseechings to international matters. Honestly, you just never know what the reply will be when you ask Brother Pat "Whom would Jesus shoot through the head?" In what is clearly a sign of lagging faith in the Lord as an effective hit man, Brother Pat is no longer limiting his pestering of the beleaguered Almighty to kill off people with contrary political views on the domestic Supreme Court. Brother Pat is now more practically calling upon someone else to do the Lord's work (political assassinations). And it is an organization that has shown alacrity for torturing and killing contrarians that even our Old Testament God must reluctantly admire: the CIA.

But if Brother Pat is going to rally enthusiastic support for a cause already co-opted by our ever-cycling President (that is, killing and slandering for Jesus), he ought not squander the Lord's bullets on someone in Venezuela who never appeared in US Weekly, and is thereby unknown to most Americans. Now, if Pat wants to drum up support for the assassination of, say, Jessica Simpson well, frankly, I'm sending supportive imprecatory prays as I type!

Gals, you know I never gossip except to save a soul or a conversation, but childhood pictures of the rapidly short-circuiting Scientology robot Tom Cruise have recently been unearthed. As you can see, little Tom (no change there!) is not simply a friend of Dorothy. Verily, he is Dorothy!

Speaking of homosexuals miraculously saved through the incantations of tax-free religions, Focus on the Family continues to trot out newly minted ex-gays for public consumption. This is all part of their rather grandly cynical agenda to marginalize the notion that sexual orientation is immutable like skin color (unless you own Neverland Ranch) and thereby entitled to insidious civil rights protection. Of course, FOTF has to act speedily to capitalize on each ex-gay's feisty attempts to sneer at other homosexuals, as his ever-so-fleeting shelf life inevitably expires with an unpublicized lapse back into sodomy and nice shoes. I thought that all of you would enjoy meeting Focus on the Family's latest prop for the proposition that developing a personal relationship with a super-cool, handsome, powerful dude with long hair will cure homos of their same-sex attraction. He is Rex Ray the Ex-Gay and you can read his fabulous story here:

So close to Jesus, I can be driven to Crawford, Texas without even seeing the inconveniently mewling mother my SUV limo is splashing with mud,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian

A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'après vivre

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