| Dear Fellow Member of America's Own Taliban:
Tired of the pinko, pacifistic ramblings of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount? Well, goodness me, aren't we all?
That is why I have given our Savior's alarmingly liberal litany a timely Republican overhaul. The Democrat-approving Beatitudes are now the Republican-reproving Bettytudes. Glory!
After 2,000 years of blithely ignoring them -- finally -- Christians can proudly recite the new, improved Sermon on the Amount (I have wisely added new verses that redress Jesus' failure to remind followers of America's multibillion-dollar Christianity, Inc. industry that God only gives credit for tithes after adjusting for the rate of inflation). Be the first at your Thanksgiving table to impress your socially conservative guests with the Bettytudes!
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| Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven |
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Blessed are those who pour spirits: for theirs is the ringtone of Jenna's Blackberry |
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| Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land |
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Blessed are the sheiks: for they can pilot without learning to land |
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| Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted |
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Cursed are those who mourn civilian casualties; for they shall be confronted on "The O'Reilly Factor" |
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| Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill |
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Blessed are they that use hunger and thirst instead of justice, for they shall have their coerced confession |
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| Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy |
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Blessed are the preemptively wrathful, for they shall obtain British mercenaries |
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| Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God |
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Blessed are the Diebold machines of the heartland, for they shall see God perform His "loaves and fish" multiplication miracle during vote tabulation |
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| Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God |
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Blessed are the warmongers: for they shall be called "re-elected" |
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| Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven |
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Blessed are they that persecute those who suffer for the Department of Justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of Guantanamo Bay |
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| This week used to be a time of year when First Lady Laura Bush peeled off the festive aluminum covers of four piping-warm Swanson Turkey dinners, broke the brittle plastic seal on a liter bottle of Gilbert's Vodka, snuffed out a ciggy in her Nescafe and brayed to the three people in the rumpus room playing a raucous game of quarters: "Thanksgiving!"
Now, of course, our serenely sedated First Lady has people to cook (and, thank the Lord, drive) for her so that the Bush family can finally enjoy more Cordon Bleu state epicurean experiments, such as a cranberry sauce that somehow shirks the festive circular engravings made by a tin can.
The preparation of food has, alas, never been the most important aspect of the Thanksgiving ritual. Indeed, our conservative Christian forefathers -- the Puritans -- already over-marinated in a bilious stew of the Lord's scorn and wrath, were more likely to burn a witch than their famous parsnips-in-vinegar appetizer. After all, quaint folklore notwithstanding, who needs to go through the laborious ordeal of squandering dinner invitations in an attempt to curry favor with Indians when the Lord Jesus provides a more permanent solution to getting along with indigenous landowners through the miracle of smallpox? Praise!
For today's Americans, the most important moment on Thanksgiving day occurs just after the food begins to congeal -- when someone is asked to say the blessing. After all, taking time to prove how much more unctuous you are than everyone else is not a pious exercise limited solely to presidential debates, dears!
This year, make sure that if someone is to be shunned at your family table for their lackluster display of Republican piety, it won't be you! Print out a copy of the Bettytudes, slip them in your Prada and whip them out with great flourish. Then, treat the table to a blistering recitation of Republican values -- before some lesser Christian has an opportunity to bore the assembly with a tedious, weak-kneed display of liberal values found in the unedited words of Jesus.
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