Since we have a president who never actually expresses his own thoughts, some pesky Demoncrats whine, "Is it asking too much that the Teleprompter be at least read in his own voice?" Such clueless liberals don't understand that we now live in a country where Spirit-filled Republicans choose palatable fiction over provable fact. This is why we Christians are trying to replace the teaching of so-called evolution with the more entertaining "talking snake theory" in public schools.

So, we blithely embrace a politician who rotely recites focus-group tested slogans, which he is incapable of understanding, much less coining. And we don't bat a demurely shadowed eye when these carefully honed phrases, which are so easily digested they are more bon bon than bon mot, are delivered with an accent that bears no relationship to the actual life of the speaker. And, no, I am not talking about Detroit-born Madonna talking like (and -- let's face it -- beginning to look like) Camilla Parker Bowles!

I'm talking about our glorious God-appointed President. You see, Jeb and W are brothers, raised in the same family. Jeb was born in Texas; W was born in Connecticut. Yet, W is the only one with a Texas twang. Yes, dear readers, another GOP miracle!

I had lunch the other day with Peggy Noonan (or as she is known in Midtown, "Peggy Nooner") and remarked about how she and our president are like inverses of one another. She came from a hard-drinking, brawling low-class New Jersey family and has reinvented herself as Grace Kelly; whereas George W. Bush came from a patrician family of New England blue bloods and metamorphosed into Pa Kettle.

Of course, no one seems to mind this lack of authenticity. We are, after all, living in a country populated with voters so obtuse they need to be told that hot coffee is, ur, "hot" and not to emulate people in car commercials who drive their SUVs into the ocean or over embankments – because, presumably, one should only drive into oncoming traffic on a "closed course."

As Real Americans We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident:

Britney Spears is a virgin;

The people of Iraq are our most dangerous enemy;

Jennifer Lopez can sing;

Ronald Reagan only became senile after he left office;

Tom Cruise is straight; and

George W. Bush is a statesman

Praise the Lord!

New Movie Review!

My Christian review of Eminem's new film "8 Mile."

Rebuking Disneyfied "God Is Love" Fake Christians

New Age Christians make Jesus want to reach for His Vicodin! Now, with my exclusive software, you can automatically rebuke them! Please take a moment to do just that, dear!

As America's Best Christian, I am saddened to see how most of my fellow believers have veered off the path to Glory in the past century and are now blithely traipsing towards the ever-stoked furnaces of Jesus' ruthless invention Hell. Once upon a time, our faith actually reflected the fear we are called upon to have for the angry and cruel God of our Bible. Adults and children were cowered into submission by being warned of the Lord watching their every move from the clouds, like an irritable Santa, waiting for any misstep and being thrilled to mete out torment and torture in response. Indeed, the Lord has threatened to kill so many people, a reflective "What Would Jesus Do?" is thwart with danger for anyone wishing to avoid criminal prosecution.

Yes, those were the wonderful years of Christianity's preeminence, which we fondly remember as the "Dark Ages." But somewhere along the line, New Age California pansies and Madison Avenue focus groups hijacked our wrathful Lord and reinvented Him as a meek, cuddly, sensitive "friend." Suddenly, the God who had killed whole countries of first-borns for no particular reason (other than to give the Jews a holiday) and invited His believers to slaughter small children and hack pregnant women open like coconuts (Hosea 13:16) is powerless to do anything but weep if you sleep with your boss or don't get the car you deserve for your birthday.

Welcome to the Xanax-haze of Lauraland

Now all the links to the Laura Bush pieces are in one place!

Laura Bush: Talking to Your Children About Terror

Our glamorous First Lady sits down with her sister-in-law, Noelle's mother, to talk about preparing children for terrorists -- and jail!

People Who Are Going Straight to Hell Museum

Our nation's capital has a new landmark on the Mall: the first museum guaranteed to make you wet your pants from fear!

Marge Davis' Fabulous (Cheap) Christmas Ideas

Sister-in-Christ Marge Davis has wonderful ideas for Christmas stocking stuffers for you trailer!

Landover Baptist

Visit Mrs. Bowers' and Jesus' Favorite Church!

The White House

Drop by and say "Don't you think you've had enough, dear?" to Mr. & Mrs. George W. Bush.