Dear Brothers & Sisters in Republican Gloating:

The birth of the baby Jesus is a time when Americans pause to practice their religion: shopping. Picking the perfect gift has never been easy (just ask my hubby). For example, look at the so-called Wise Men. One was crass enough to give gold -- the Biblical equivalent of a "gift certificate." The other unimaginative gift-givers showed up with frankincense and myrrh, proving once again that when men have no idea what you want they give you fragrance. At least baby Jesus didn't have to feign delight unwrapping lingerie two sizes too small in shrill, slutty shades of red.

The Christian shopper is under even more pressure this year to come back from Neimans with something that will please Mrs. Bowers (start by making sure it doesn't have "Chicken Soup" in the title, dear). When I last checked there were -- oh, goodness! -- only 45 shopping days until the Apocalypse.

Yes, we are living in End Times and this will probably be our last Christmas. While we are carefully removing heirloom holiday ornaments (that double as earrings in resourceful Texas) from our perfectly symmetrical Douglas fir, God has subcontracted with Halliburton to send an enormous ball of burning petroleum towards our lovely little garden planet to incinerate every tree, animal and foreign person who did not fawn over Him while he had the chance.

Apocalyptic Christmas shopping carries the added burden of knowing that each gift you give may be your last chance to make a good impression -- and with Judgment Day fast approaching, that has never been more important. Furthermore, returns and exchanges will be difficult once the Almighty has turned every department store into smoldering heaps of tinsel and flaming pools of $80 French moisturizer.

But look at the silver lining around every brooding Armageddon thunderhead -- it's not as if American Express can track you down in your golden mansion in Glory, as you recline in a room decorated in a style more gaudy than Saddam Hussein's palace, but, thankfully, not quite as gaudy as Donald Trump's penthouse.

To make the holiday season more festive, I have the following links for you:

New Movie Review!

My reflections on the secular pornography Kinsey and the rather useful Baptist miracle of making facts vanish by simply not talking about them.

Marge Davis' Fabulous Christmas Ideas

Do you have a Red Stater on your Christmas shopping list this year? Marge has wonderful gift-giving suggestions for the easily impressed!

Betty's Guide to the Perfect Christmas

Do you have someone famous -- or infamous -- on your list? Betty is here to the rescue to pick out the perfect little something to make even the most spoiled person know you cared.

Christmas in Boulder, CO

Gather around with loved ones and share a Very Special Christmas with Sister-in-Christ Patsy Ramsey

A Wing -- and a Prayer!

I discovered this charming chanteuse last year and still can't get her canny disregard for the lyrics and tune out of my heard. Join Wing in singing all your favorite Christmas songs like you've never heard them before (trust me).

Downloadable Gift Tags

Print out tags for all your gifts with a Betty Bowers touch!

Lucifier's Toy Chest: This Year's Banned Gifts

Satan's shopping list of Christmas gifts are guaranteed to send your child to prison – and you to a shallow grave.