From her book What Would Betty Do? The perfect holiday gift!

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christian Consumerism:

Dreck the Malls! The Baby Jesus' birthday is upon us and, truly, what do you get for the Guy who made everything? If we only had Christian television to go on, we would assume that Jesus is rather fond of tax-free cash – and with no small urgency! (Although His delight at dollars has somewhat dimmed with the unexpected strength of the Euro.) Nevertheless, the careful holiday shopper will know that the one gift that is a "must get" on Jesus' Christmas Wish List is a fabulous little something called "Glory" (available at those few drugstores that still carry Joan Collins' fragrances).

One rather tense Christmas, upon tearing off the merry foil gift wrap (which Satan ensures always comes with little more than 6 inches to a roll), Jesus found that His gift was not the "Glory" He had been dropping rather obvious hints about wanting. The disappointed Savior instantly killed the careless gift giver by having him eaten by worms! ("And immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the Glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23).

This rather gory response to not getting what one wants has ruined many a lovely carpet and makes the rhetorical "What Would Jesus Do?" dangerous in the hands of those disappointed by what is under their Christmas tree. But Jesus' somewhat churlish – and certainly messy – reaction to receiving a lackluster gift pales in comparison to the Lord's displeasure with actually having to shop! The dear people at Saks tell me that the Lord Jesus makes Winona Ryder look like an ideal customer in comparison, as He is wont to flip over display tables of merchandise if only offered store-credit on returns. ("And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers." Matthew 21:12)

Regrettably, questions over what to buy to celebrate Christmas are not the only confusing thing about the Holiday. You see, while Hollywood is fond of showing test audiences alternative endings, when it comes to the nativity, the New Testament also delights in alternative beginnings. (So pay close attention before hiring illegal aliens to play shepherds in your live nativity scene!)

While the first Gospel that was written (Mark) shows appalling oversight of the biographical details that absolutely make a fabulous story by failing to mention Jesus' birth at all, the two gospels that followed (Matthew and Luke) more than made up for this grievous omission. You see, knowing how tedious it would be to read the same nativity tale twice, the thoughtfully inventive writers of the Gospels provide us with two very different chronologies, doubling the chances that one will appeal to the reader! So, Jesus was born in a manger. Or not. Take your pick!

In Matthew, Jesus was born during the reign of Herod the Great, who died in 4 B.C. (Matthew 2:1) I think it fair to say that being born before Oneself would technically qualify as the Lord's first miracle instead of simply mollifying the braying Mary with free booze at a wedding. Nevertheless, Luke claims that Jesus was born during the first census in Israel, which took place ten years after Herod's death (Luke 2:12). In Matthew, Mary and Joseph live in Bethlehem (Matthew 2:11); in Luke, Mary and Joseph live in greater metropolitan Nazareth (Luke 2:4). In Matthew, Jesus is born in a house (Matthew 2:11); in Luke, Jesus is born in a manger (Luke 2:7). In Matthew, after Jesus is born, the family immediately flees to a fabulous vacation in Egypt (Matthew 2:13); in Luke, they take a leisurely trip to Jerusalem to sacrifice birds (Luke 2:22-24).

Fortunately, none of these "continuity problems" (as they say in Hollywood) is relevant to our post-modern celebration of Christmas, as the Holiday's erstwhile eponym is no longer the focus of the festive occasion. We Americans' unparalleled knack for making everything all about us has, of course, not overlooked the year's splashiest holiday. Raising a rotting corpse from the dead is sensational (and, no doubt, rather malodorous), but for real miracles, we must look to American retailers, for if they make the holiday any longer, we will simply declare the return of last year's presents as the start of the new Christmas shopping season! Besides, what other birthday involves buying presents for everyone except the one born on that day?

Are your children leaving out milk and cookies for the devil?

But the spirit of the Gospels is not completely neglected. With the now well-established tradition of lavishing expensive gifts upon their families, Christmas provides the one time of year when Americans actually follow Jesus' command to give to the poor. Because, after the credit card receipt are tallied, they find that they now are the poor. How fitting that Christmas has become the nation's most commercial event next to J-Ho announcing yet one more betrothal to a homosexual on national television. After all, while churches and revival tents provide a fabulous opportunity to showcase everything from unction to Ungaro, the place for all real prayer, worship and tithing in this country is called a "mall." That is why I was so delighted that the merchants at Landover Christian Mall asked me to fire a few rounds outside of the new Bulgari store to officially begin the Christmas shopping season.

Did anyone see Liza with a Geek on television recently? As a True Christian, I never say an unkind word, but I find that I must gossip out of Christian concern. Her husband David Gest, who, quite appropriately, looks like Edvard Munch's The Scream with sunglasses, was protesting rather too much about his heterosexual ardor for poor, loopy Liza. (And, honestly, if she isn't still popping pills, that is some wicked placebo she has gotten her hands on!) About ten years and 4,700 bottles of Canadian Club ago, Liza Minnelli recorded a cover of Stephen Sondheim's wonderful song "Losing My Mind." The song ended with Liza asking, "Am I loshing [sic.] my mind?" Brothers and sisters in Christ, please take a moment to join me, face Manhattan and utter a rather firm "Yes, dear, you are!"

One of the things apparent-burn-victim David Gest likes to trot out to underscore his burly masculinity is his fond memories of playing basketball with his "best friend" Michael Jackson (who has devolved from public figure to public disfigure). In addition to suggesting an association perversely ill-suited for the intended purpose, the allusion conjures an image with all of the compelling verisimilitude of claims to playing roulette with the Pope. From the looks of David and Michael, they must have met in the waiting room of a Third World plastic surgeon.

But we shouldn't be too hard on David trying so desperately to pass himself off as heterosexual! People pretending to be what they are not has become the vogue in America. Please join me in reciting the PR-fueled mantra:

As Real Americans We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident:

Britney Spears is a virgin;

The people of Iraq are our most dangerous enemy;

Jennifer Lopez can sing;

Ronald Reagan only became senile after he left office;

Tom Cruise is straight; and

George W. Bush is a statesman

And speaking of our President, Jenna and Barbara Bush are now 21 and, no doubt, quite hung over. I honestly don't know why there is such a fuss over this beer-mug ring on their calendar! As Laura was quick to mention, since the twins never paid any attention to age-to-drink laws (or her) before they were 21, she saw no need to change their credit limit at their local liquor stores now that they are legal. Help celebrate this right of passage by giving a "WWJD? What Would Jenna Drink?" gift to someone you love this Christmas!

Meanwhile, Jenna's father has been receiving glowing endorsements from irrelevant countries. "He's not a moron at all," Canadian Prime Minister Chretien said of President Bush. Fortunately, there is still time to incorporate this catchy appraisal on three-color banners for all of the 2004 whistle stops!

The glorious effects of our GOP success at the polls are already being seen. For example, AIDS education is being curtailed at the CDC. All True Christians know that "Abstinence Only" is the only responsible approach since pregnancy and most diseases are clearly caused by knowledge.

(You can show your support for the GOP's efforts to shield children from annoying facts by wearing an "Abstinence Saves the Tart From Plunder" thong!)

And knowledge is not something our current President is fond of -- but he is fair about it, as he doesn't want the rest of us to have much of it either. As you probably know, President Bush has stood firm in his resolve to keep all potentially embarrassing information regarding 9/11 a secret. To ensure that the President is never hurt politically by the death of all those people in New York, he has appointed Henry Kissinger to chair any prying. With Mr. Kissinger's pedigree of nefarious skullduggery (such as overthrowing a democratic government in Chile that had a pesky habit of voting for people who were simply not our sort), Henry will go into the job with no naïve notions about the American people needing to know facts that might deflate their blind support of their president. Glory! For if there is one thing this administration would like more than strip mining Yellowstone, it is to keep secrets. Indeed, just last week, Mr. Ashcroft's office asked a court to seal all the records to a lawsuit involving poison in vaccinations, lest the litigation-crazy parents of dead children use the information to sue pharmaceutical companies. After all the money those wonderful companies gave the GOP, it was the least that the President could do. After all, dead children don't vote -- even in Florida!

Looking to lose that unsightly holiday weight? Well, we've all heard of the wildly successful Whitney Houston crack and cigarettes diet, but leave it to True Christians to work politics into food depravation. Since we Republicans (or, as we prefer, "Real Americans") have co-opted Christianity (or, as we also prefer, our more self-indulgent Christianity version 8.0) as our cloak of piety and Jesus as our mascot, why shouldn't True Christians return the favor? Indeed, as Carrie Bradshaw might drunkenly type into her laptop, is George W. Bush the new, better dressed Jesus? Join us, as we fast and pray over the Prodigal Son Bush, a man who wants to give us money, instead of wasting time on a guy who asked us to give it away!

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I have several new pieces since my last newsletter, including film reviews.

Far From Heaven

I watched the lovely new film Far From Heaven with my dear friend Laura Bush. I knew she had nodded off about 30 minutes into the film when I heard a highball glass slide out of her hand and roll down the carpet towards the screen. She awoke to see Condi Rice polishing Julianne Moore's dining room table. "She is such a trooper!" declared a pleased Laura, "Really knows her place."

8 Mile

Not since never-nominated Madonna played an ego-freak who viewed every fellatio as a career move ("Evita") or Marlee Matlin won an Oscar® for playing a deaf woman who spoke like a drunken eight-year-old ("Children of a Lesser God"), has an actor received such praise for playing, well, himself.

The Two Towers

How do lewd homosexual Hobbit lovers refer to their erect penises? Well, the smutty title of this film says it all! Landover Baptist issues an urgent alert to warn children to avoid this rubbish.

Worried about being asked to give the blessing at this year's family Christmas dinner? America's Best Christian and Most Saved Baptist, provides "The Perfect Prayer," a downloadable blessing that is guaranteed to impress the True Christians and scare the daylights out of the unsaved at your table this year!

CLICK HERE

Links to actual stories in the news about True Christians who make Jesus reach for His Pepto Bismol.

CLICK HERE

Landover Baptist's Latest Newsletter

Find out what new at the most conservative church in America that doesn't require you to handle snakes!

The White House

Drop by and say "Bottoms up!" to Mr. & Mrs. George W. Bush.