At a recent White House dinner, I complained (in the most delightful way) that remaining current on the Terror Alert color du jour was becoming as onerous as keeping track of Jennifer Lopez's husbands. Sister-in-Christ First Lady Laura put down her Waterford highball glass long enough to volunteer that if someone in the West Wing resigns in a huff, the stock market goes lower than Bill Bennett's credit line at Caesar's, George's Gallup numbers sag or his intake of therapeutic spirits soars, the Terror Alert level automatically becomes more shrill. This, of course, is wisely designed to keep the feckless American public's mind off of more insidious domestic attempts to destroy the country.

Laura and I told John Ashcroft (after asking him to refrain from anointing anyone else with our table's olive oil, as there was hardly any left for the surprisingly stale bread) that while we had appreciated him making "yellow" the alert color for the duration of the Easter hat-wearing weekend, the Terror Alert colors are otherwise completely unsuitable to my palette (which is of paramount concern since Laura's palette lends itself to shades so wan, their degrees of increasing alarm are indiscernible to all but America's most color-blind targets).

While being the prey of terrorists, imagined or otherwise, is no picnic, this is no reason why this dreary situation needs to be compounded by being characterized in the present lackluster manner. It's like I always say, "When foreigners give you terror, make tiramisu!"

Therefore, I suggested changing the alert colors to five understated shades of taupe. After all, I told John, I can hardly allow the Office of Homeland Security to send me into any state that clashes with my décor. Well, John is a Pentecostal so, of course, is without any aesthetic frame of reference. As such, he churlishly refused my rather reasonable request. Nevertheless, in a spirit of compromise I find suspicious in fellow Republicans, he agreed to at least change the names of the colors that already exist and make the descriptions more instructive to us gals at home:

While Mr. Bush has stated numerous times that he will allow the Iraqi people to choose their government, Iraq's democracy is as illusory as its weapons of mass destruction. They both exist only to the extent that we need them to. In other words, Iraq will end up with a President we in the GOP think is best for them, not necessarily the man who gets the most of those things some people still call "votes." Again, just one more selfless step to fulfilling our promise to make Iraq more like America. Glory! But Mr. Bush expects no more than the usual worship for our beneficence. After all, why should we slight Iraq after we Americanized Afghanistan? For example, Kabul has no working voting machines, making it indistinguishable from Florida -- except for the lack of turquoise.

Under ADD Diplomacy, all countries must fear America's robust bossiness, but never for long. For example, if you are Afghanistan, we may destroy your landscaping (to the extent we can find any – all for the want of a Rio Grande!), but our cruise-missile button-pushing attention will wander before we get around to meddling in your love of being ruled by crazed clerics. Similarly, before Iraq can become calmer than Whitney Houston on a three-week methamphetamine binge, our attention will have drifted Eastward to Iran. But Iran needn't fret about us sticking around to run off its venal ayatollahs after we raze its homes and hospitals. Before they've even ignited the first rag in a Molotov cocktail before our old Tehran embassy, we will have scurried off finally to taunt North Korea. And, as all pet-lovers will tell you, thinking of unflattering things to say about the North Koreans will prove less challenging than routing Iraq, which had an army with less firepower than Eminem's security detail.

And so on. All the while forgetting that it was the Saudi Arabians who flew our planes into our buildings knowing that giving Barbara Olson airline food for her last meal violated the spirit of the Geneva Convention. You see, ADD Diplomacy not only allows us to ignore enemies our President's friends and family do profitable business with (Saudi Arabia), but also forget the ones we can't catch during network news sweeps. Osama who? Saddam what? No villain stays in our swinging sights long enough to be truly eradicated or become tiresome to a public jonesing for a fix of a new, more colorful foe to threaten.

By constantly changing the targets and objectives, our godly President not only takes attention from failed, now discarded plans to protect us, but also stokes an under-attack mentality that stifles the type of criticism we conservatives find most abhorrent: the type that is voiced. Why complain about Dick Cheney's company Halliburton setting up off-shore subsidiaries to trade with our enemies or using our State Department as an ATM when we can join in a cathartic repudiation of America's real enemy: those nefarious masterminds of treason, the Dixie Chicks? And people say our President doesn't know what he is doing!

You see, the necessarily short time ADD Diplomacy devotes to any one problem ensures that we are guaranteed a round of telegenic, embedded reporters in time for every GOP re-election cycle. In this way, we not only bring a touch of our democracy to foreign voters, we use them to bring a fabulous constant-siege, reactionary stupefaction to our own. Glory!

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