M E M O R A N D U M
From: Pastor Harry Hardwick, Chairman of the Landover Baptist committee for sorting out True Christians from folks who only say they are "Christians," but are really unsaved trash who make Jesus vomit
To: [The name of the person you are sending the e-buke to]
Re: Your Staus as a Fake "God is Love" Christian
Dear [Their Name], Unsaved Fake Christian Trash:
It has been determined conclusively by our committee that you are the type of pseudo-Christian who goes around making a fool of both yourself and the Lord by spouting the saccharine, annoying lie "God is Love." There are no appeals from this righteous judgment.
We delight in informing you that, contrary to your sissified view of things, the Bible isn't a tiny pamphlet with nothing more than namby-pamby verses that make the Lord Jesus sound like some prancing homosexual florist blowing air-kisses to everyone who comes in His overly-fragranced path.
There are plenty of verses in the Bible that reveal what Jesus plans to do to people like you who ignore 99% of His Word in favor of emphasizing the two or three verses that, when taken completely out of context, create a soft, cuddly Jesus that more reflects your childish need for an imaginary friend straight out of a Disney cartoon than it does the authentic Jesus who shall sit on the White Throne of Judgment of the Bible!
The real Jesus approved of His Father's command that children who curse their parents be put to death (Matthew 15:3-4). In fact, Jesus chastised the Pharisees for failing to kill children who defied their parents' wishes (Mark 7:9-13). Jesus told us we are to live our lives in utter fear of God for God has the power not only to kill us but also to torture us forever in Hell (Luke 12:5).
Jesus told His disciples to bring before Him any man who didn't believe in Him and to violently slaughter that man while Jesus watched (Luke 19:27). Jesus killed one man by having his body eaten by a swarm of worms because the man failed to give Jesus His due (Acts 12:23). Jesus struck a Jew blind for thwarting His teachings (Acts 13:8-11). Jesus struck a man dead for failing to listen well (Luke 1:20). Jesus took the lives of a couple by scaring them to death for not forking over all of the money they made on a real estate transaction (Acts 5:1-10). Jesus had such a hot temper, not only was he wont to flip over merchants' tables (Matthew 21:12), He even killed a fig tree for failing to bear fruit even though figs weren't in season (Mark 11:12-14).
Of course, Jesus knew He didn't have enough time to torture every sinner while He was alive, so He promised to do much more after He passed. Jesus said that, come Judgment Day, sinners will be gathered together and hurled into a furnace of fire where there will be uncontrollable wailing and gnashing of teeth (Matthew 13:41-42, 50). Entire cities of people who don't believe in Him will suffer a fate worse than that of Sodom and Gomorra (Mark 6:11). Jesus said that God will take vengeance on nonbelievers by burning them "in flaming fire" (2 Thessalonians 1:7-9). The Lord will create horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth and scorpion's tails that will sting and inflict savage pain on sinners for five months (Revelation 9:7-10).
After God sends fires, plagues and beasts God to Earth, the world will be covered in unburied dead bodies rotting everywhere while good Christians will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another" (Revelation 11:5-10). Meanwhile, the smoke of the burning, rotting bodies will ascend and plague the Earth forever (Revelation 14:10-11). And the smell will attract scavenger birds that will feast upon "the supper of the great God" (Revelation 19:17-18).
Jesus will send an earthquake to kill 7,000 people (Revelation 11:13). He will inflict bodily sores, turn the seas and rivers to blood, scorch everyone with fire, cause people to consume their own tongues. Oh, and He'll cause horrendous storms, too (Revelation 16:1-21).
Now, what was it you said about unconditional love? In the United States, if you engaged in the acts Jesus promised to do, you would find yourself in prison for the rest of your life. Contrary to the way you view Him, Jesus was no sissy! He doesn't sit around meekly crying over sinners not worshiping Him enough – He kills them. And then tortures them for good measure!
So, phony Christian, continue ignoring all the parts of the New Testament you don't like, and latch onto the little nancy-boy verses you prefer. But bear in mind that the single page of the Bible you like to quote will incinerate in less than a second when your sorry ass is hurled into the furnace of an everlasting Hell!
Praying those who pick and choose which parts of the Bible to quote are the first plunged into the fiery abyss,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Chairman, Landover Baptist Salvation Evalution Subcommittee
