NEWS from CPSC

Scientology, Inc. Announces Recall of all Scientology Robots Manufactured in 1983 due to Firing Hazard

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in cooperation with the above-named cult, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product. Consumers coming into contact with this product should distract it with obsequious fawning over Katie Holmes's and Chris Klein's baby while someone else (preferably a young man who has signed a 87-page confidentiality agreement) reaches down into its little robot pants and disconnects its power source.  

Name of Product: Tom Cruise 

Units: 1 

Reason for Recall: Product is a Malfunctioning Thetan

1.  Robot bares its expensive dental work and then bears down on you with a fixed, strenuous smile until you flinch or ask for an autograph.

2. Robot begins beating its chest and claiming that a humanoid offspring somehow resulted from a wrestling frolic with one of several male porn actors in peek-a-boo Spandex tunics.  

3. Robot loses the ability to use one of its three programmed facial expressions when reading dialogue concerning human feelings before a camera.

4. Due to rhetorical overheating, robot begins publicly denouncing what it needs most: such as, acting lessons, homosex and psychotherapeutic medications.

5. Robot's motherboard crashes when user tries to load updated software for age-appropriate dress, hair and behavior.

6. Robot wears anywhere from 5 to 11 Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Insoles in each shoe so that it will be allowed to ride on the roller coaster with his adopted humanoid children (on loan from the Paramount Prop Department) at his new owner's amusement park.

Incidents/Injuries: Scientology, Inc. has received six reports of the robot jumping about like a meth-addicted monkey flinging its excrement at onlookers, resulting in property damage to furniture, walls, box office grosses and personal effects.  No injuries, outside of reputations, have been reported.

Remedy:  Actresses should shop using this recalled robot to advance their careers and immediately call Scientology, Inc. so that a replacement robot suitable for bearding can be issued. 

Consumer Contact: For additional information, contact Scientology, Inc. at:

Church of Scientology International is the mother church of the worldwide Scientology religion. International headquarters are located in the historic Hollywood Guaranty Building in the heart of Hollywood.
Address: 6331 Hollywood Blvd., Suite 1200,
Los Angeles, California 90028-6329
Phone number (323) 960-3500
Fax number (323) 960-3508
Ms. Karin Pouw, is Public Relations Director and Mr. Edward Parkin is VP for Cultural Affairs, Church of Scientology International