The Fabulous Bush Administration Keeps Those Stupid Liberals Guessing Along the Twisted Iraqi Road to War

Follow the Yellow Bricks of Uranium to Find Out Who is Responsible for the Trail of Deceitful Breadcrumbs That Helped Throw America-Hating Dummycrats Off!

Laura Bush: I don't know what the fuss is all about. What's the big deal about Bushie telling folks (1)That Saddam fellow had a whole mess of Weapons of Mass Destruction pointed at their heads?; (2) That Iraq was responsible for those tall buildings in -- it was New York wasn't it? -- falling down?; (3) That Iraq and al-Qa'ida summered in Odessa together?; (4) That Iraq had a bunch of chemical weapons left over from the first Bush war that he escaped from?; (5) That the Iraqis would act like a big ole Islamic Welcome Wagon when we razed their neighborhoods?; (6) That the war would be easier than Pamela Anderson?; or (7) That money from the Iraq oil would go into the burkas of those crazy Islamics who own it instead of Dick's corporation? After all, he's always telling me, "Pickles, you look fabulous in that bilious Dupont Orlon® pantsuit with the elastic waistband that is three sizes too small!" My stars, I always know when he's lying. Don't blame anyone but yourself, if you don't! Besides, how many of those blue-collar boys ended up dying over thirty-one or thirty-two little slips of the tongue? 5? 50? 200? Goodness me, we've had beer busts with more folks!
Condi Rice: Lawdy! Lawdy! I don't know nothing 'bout finding no uraniams! [SLAP] Thank you Mrs. Bush. I can't tell you how nonplussed I am that Mr. Tenet failed to adequately perform my job. I am stunned – yes, scandalized to my core! – that some of the information we proffered to the American people in suggesting that maybe, just possibly, they might wish to consider, if time permitted, not that we cared one way or the other, going to some war somewhere, turned out to be just shy of being scrupulous, even allowing for our wonderfully duplicitous phrasing.
Lynne Cheney: As a neoconservative warrior in the current Cultural War and former head of the National Endowment for the Humanities, my first instinct when this whole mess about our policy of prevarication came up was to tell Dick to be like my favorite singer Eydie Gorme and "Blame it on the Bossa Nova!" Speaking of, have any of you seen my hubby? I haven't seen that SOB since someone started asking, "Who is behind all this lying that started this gosh darn war?" Eydie Gorme, now there's a gal who has all the dots on her dice! I bet Steve Lawrence doesn't hide in a bunker every time the dog dirt hits the fan.
Ambassador Joseph Wilson: I told Cheney in March of 2002 that the uranium claim was bogus – and I still have a fracture in my left shoulder from two of his Franklin Mint crystalline "ExxonMobil" paperweights to prove it!
Richard "Dick" Cheney: Call me a patriot, but it really chaps my ass that a yellow-bellied, America-hating traitor like Wilson can't support our campaign to sell America on a war we all need so that Halliburton can meet its profit objectives for fiscal 2004. Some bastards just aren't team players.
George W. Bush: It all sort of depends on what the definition of "lie" is. When I found out that it was that Tenet fellow that was making me tell all these tall tales every time I opened my mouth, I was pretty steamed! But come to think of it, Barney might have walked in front of the teleprompter when the word "not" rolled up and all I saw was the word "credible." Well, it's not like he can say he didn't!
"Now, I'm not the type of president to blame my fibs on more than just a handful of folks. The buck stops bouncing somewhere near here. Barney will be thrown into traffic for this. I promise. Now, I consider this whole matter closed. No nosy questions. God bless America."

-- George W. Bush