Mrs. Betty Bowers:

Marriages Are Like Lay's Potato Chips to American Christians: They Can't Stop At Just One!

In protecting the sanctity of marriage, most of my fellow Republicans have wisely opted for changing our nation's cherished Constitution, rather than looking in a mirror or making awkward calls of remonstration to their third wives, mistresses or divorced parents. After all, it's been far too long since we used that stuffy Constitution, a document quaintly intended to restrict the interference of government in the citizenry's personal business, to tell coloreds that they were only 3/5 of a person. Yes, the cornerstone of our Republic can be a fabulous weapon to denigrate any minority with an overreaching expectation of equal rights! However, there is so much more our federal government could do in its zeal to appeal to pious, right-wing Christians, who tend to be so enthusiastic about the idea of marriage that they think it ungrateful to stop at just one.

Since the dissolution, rather than the creation, of a marriage tends to more effectively undermine its purported sanctity, shouldn't we elevate Jesus' otherwise ignored Word to Constitution level by passing the "Whatsoever God hath joined together, let no man cast asunder" Amendment based on Matthew 19:6? Granted, this is a rather inconvenient proscription, but it was rather adamantly underscored by that killjoy Jesus. While the suspiciously unmarried Jesus never mentioned those dreadful homosexuals, married or otherwise, He expressly pointed out to His ostensible followers that if they married more than once (even if just on a reality TV program for some cheap attention), they would be committing adultery. (Matthew 5:32 and, for good measure, Matthew 19:9)

But, you know, on second thought, that's rather inconvenient. And as every American Evangelical knows, religion is to pander to us, not the more tedious, other way around! So let's just forget what Jesus actually said and concentrate on what American Right Wing Christians, far too busy making war and money to bother with Jesus' pesky bromides, attribute to Jesus in solicitations for donations instead. Deal? Good! I feel better already. Don't you?

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In addition to Betty, hear expert Biblical marriage talk from:
Mrs. Richard ("Lynne") Cheney Mrs. George W. ("Laura") Bush
Mrs. Pat Robertson Miss Jennifer Lopez
Ms. Sandy Rios Jesus

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