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What does the Lord have in mind for finishing off your marital bedroom? How about a decorative assortment of whores? Any Christian homemaker who naively thinks that a collection of sexual playmates for the man of the house would offend the Lord obviously hasn't taken time to read His alarmingly libertine ideas about marriage in her lovely leather-bound Bible. Gals, get with the program: Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. 1 Kings 11:1-3 Knowing how wildly salacious most of the characters in God's bestseller are, the only thing I find remarkable about Solomon is that he was discerning enough to bother with drawing a distinction between wives and concubines!
Many misguided people think Mormons are objects of ridicule because of polygamy. Nonsense! The real reason is the way they dress -- and the many other ludicrous things they believe. Indeed, anyone who reads the Bible knows that the Lord is simply mad about multiple spouses. (That is, men with lots of wives not, of course, the other way around -- God is, after all, a man.) Do you find your hubby getting a tad bored with your allure -- or do you simply wish to call in a ringer so you can watch your DVD of The Passion of the Christ, pausing over the pornographic flailing? Gals, do what Sarah did for her hubby Abraham! She surprised him with a nubile new wife, exotically called Hagar, one birthday. Bonus: Hagar was also their servant. Honestly, what could be more useful than having someone around the tent who is hired to make the bed after she performs limber feats worthy of a Thai gymnast in it? Genesis 16:3
Abraham liked this thoughtful gift so much, he surprised himself with an even younger wife called Keturah. Genesis 25:1 (What do you bet Keturah had fingernails like Turandot and moved her head like a chicken when she got mad at Abraham for getting in "her business"?) It was, perhaps, with this above-the-waist gesticulation in mind that Moses, in addition to his standard-issue wives, also married a third, Ethiopian wife to have a contrasting accent piece in his tent. Numbers 12:1 And these are the men the Lord lavished with praise!
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