BETTY BOWERS:   [chattering] Pipe down, ladies. [gunfire] Re-holster!

Good evening True Christian homemakers, and welcome to the annual B.I.T.C.H. "Worst Mother in America" awards banquet, sponsored by Remington Rifles -- and Xanax. Gals, it's been a tight race this year and many public figures -- even some without reality shows -- have fought with sharp outfits -- and even sharper elbows -- for tonight's award.  But the prize was cinched with news of Willow Palin continuing her family's tawdry tradition of guzzled-down booze bottles -- and hushed-up police investigations.

Some sore losers at table 3 claim that tonight's honoree isn't really the very worst mother in America.  Well, not unless Dina Lohan ODs before dessert -- 

DINA LOHAN: [UNCHRISTIAN WORD] you! [sounds of someone with the sniffles]

BETTY: Goodness!  And while our winner may actually only be the fourth or fifth worst mother in America, she receives this award tonight because the time she spends talking about being a mother is so profoundly at odds with the time she spends actually being one. 

As the former friend of the former Patsy Ramsey, trust me: I know a bad mother when I see one. So it brings me much preening pleasure to award this year's "WORST MOTHER IN AMERICA" tiara to that dabbler-in-government and political gadfly-for-a-price, Sarah Palin.  

Sarah, your tireless determination to carelessly ignore your family -- when you aren't carefully exploiting them -- is an inspiration to self-absorbed public figures forced to do damage control photo-ops everywhere. While you were away from your lakeside mansion, doing -- and saying -- absolutely anything to get attention -- or dollars -- one right after the other, your rehab-ready children went absolutely feral  -- whooping it up off at unchaperoned parties -- and snorting it up off of powdery coffee tables. You know they say: There's always a little less snow in Alaska when the Palin kids come through town.

Since tonight's winner is charging us $50,000 an hour to honor her --

SARAH PALIN: Where's my goddamned goodie bag?

BETTY: -- there really isn't time to highlight all her domestic derelictions, but let's trot out a few highlights, shall we?

[Prop No. 1 AKA "The First Dude"]:  Sarah, before John McCain hitched your wagon to a freckle-knuckled, falling star, that famous, coquettish wink of yours was clearly an invitation to engage in a four-letter word that wasn't spelled V-O-T-E.  Not only did you have premarital sex with your future husband, you also had extramarital sex with his business partner.  How's that slutty/trashy thing working out for ya?

[Prop No. 2  AKA "Track"]:  We always hear about your eldest son, Track, being in the military, as evidenced by that one-star flag you shove in everyone's face -- like a Justin Bieber groupie with a laminated backstage pass.  But we seldom hear the reason he is serving his country now is because he was served in high school.  With a criminal warrant!  Yes, the boisterous delinquent was shipped off to Iraq to get criminal charges dropped after he stole a bottle of vodka from a liquor store and vandalized 44 school buses, cutting the brakes on your neighbor's kid's ride to school.  How wonderfully heroy!

Maybe he was just high from all that cocaine and Oxycontin he snorted. After all, what child needs healthcare when his backpack's a pharmacy?

[Prop No. 3 AKA "Bristol"] As we all know, you and your born-again virgin, Bristol, were for screwing around -- before you were against it.  In fact, you let her share a bed in your house with Levi's johnson.  And what was your maternal response to the predictable news that she became pregnant?  You shipped the little vixen off to live with a relative, lest her harlotry interfere with your ambitions -- or reveal that they only thing you really believe in abstaining from is parenting.   

[Prop No. 4 AKA "Willow"] Congratulations! Willow is now your latest child to have a brush with the law. While you were traipsing around the country mainlining narcissism to feed your junkie's addiction to attention, Willow was breaking into and vandalizing houses to host booze and sex parties.  Sarah, I can see your family staircase now -- lined with expensively framed Olan Mills mug shots!

[Prop No. 5 AKA "Trig"]   Assuming for the moment that Trig is actually yours, after your water broke in a troubled pregnancy, what did you do?  You leisurely gave a speech in Texas and then schlepped around in a cramped airplane for 9 hours with no doctor!  Honestly, for someone supposedly pro-life, I've seen crack whores show more convincing concern for the health of their unborn!  

[Prop No. 6 AKA "the American flag"]  Because, darling, you can drape yourself in flags and endangered species pelts, parrot Tea Party jingo and incite packs of fulminating, semi-literate racists to vote with ammo, but you can't even run an ordinary house, much less a White House.  Frankly, there are whore-houses run with more decorum -- and fewer visits from the police.       

So I'd like to accept this award as America's Worst Mother on behalf of Sarah Palin, who is sitting way back there at table 17.  No, sit down, dear. 

SARAH: Nobody puts Barracuda in a corner!

BETTY: Taffy, lock and load.

SARAH:  I demand that free speech thing!

BETTY: Darling, at $200-a-poorly-choosen-word, your speech is hardly free.  Security, wrestler her to the ground and give her a comb-out!  She can make her acceptance speech later.  After she's bussed her table. That was fun. Taffy, darling, let's go pray for stuff!