"Are you seeing someone else?" my boyfriend asked.

"Yes," I told him nervously.

"Who?" he demanded.

"Jesus!" I bleated out.

There, I'd said it. My secret was out. And I felt relieved. Mrs. Bowers and B.A.S.H. had given me the strength I needed to finally reveal that I had given up a squalid life of human homosexuality. Jesus would be my only boyfriend now! It's just that He didn't know it yet.

I wondered how I would tell Him. I my mind I had worked out all the reasons why it would work. At night, I would imagine him coming to me. It was so real! I would sense His presence. Most often, it would be the aroma that woke me up. You see, people living in 20 M.B. [my boyfriend] wouldn't have the same approach to bathing we have. You know, because, like, we actually do it. I have to admit dating someone who never showers was never one of my goals in life, but every relationship requires compromise. Besides, I read this way cool book about surreptitiously turning your boyfriend into your husband and it said to wait to change them for about a year. Yeah, I know - I have my work cut out for me, trying to change the son of God. But I think I'll be a tad bit more successful than Satan was in the desert two thousand years ago. I mean, we've all learned a lot about getting around passive-aggressive behavior since then. Besides, when JC tells me to "get thee behind me" He won't mean it in exactly the same way -- trust me on this. Anyway, I've always loved a challenge. Like when I started the "She's The Sheriff" fan-club when I was at Tufts. No one actually joined, but I did get the satisfaction of an effusive, scented thank you note from the star, Ms. Somers. In fact, that gives me a wonderful idea! I'll allow JC to read that note, because the still-strident floral scent will rub off on his fingers and mask His body odor, which is reminiscent of an expensive French cheese I've forgotten the name of. But what if JC has never even heard of Suzanne Somers? In that case, the note won't ever mean as much to Him as it does to me. Relationships are way difficult when you worship different people!!

Even if Jesus agrees to go out with me, I probably won't introduce Him to my friends. You know what queens are like - always having to out-do each other. But staying at the Splendido in Portofino doesn't quite stack up to bringing people back from the dead or turning a glass of chlorinated tap water into a impertinently flinty Chardonnay. I'm also worried that one of them might have too much to drink, say something that offends JC, and end up being damned to Hell for eternity. That is no way to end an otherwise lovely evening.

But I'm not worried. I've even dated three people with martyr complexes before. Sure, we will have issues we will have to deal with. I suspect meeting the In-Laws is going to be a little intimidating. But every couple goes through that. Except, it is a little unnerving to know that your boyfriend's father could, like, zap you into a pile of cinders with impunity. And people tend to get reckless when they've killed before -- especially that often.