Pat Robertson, Michael Jackson, Jerry Falwell, Ann Coulter and Osama bin Laden break into a rousing tap number in support of the one thing closest to all their hearts -- themselves.

I have a world-exclusive: The lyrics to Michael Jackson's new tribute song entitled "Me! Me! Me!" It was hastily written in the aftermath of tragedy in a barely veiled attempt to get sweet Michael back in the newspapers before the release of his impercipiently titled CD "Invincible." In recording this opportunistic ditty, Mr. Jackson has generously agreed to share the limelight with others who also show a seemingly inexhaustible craving for attention, regardless of the reason it is given. Joining Mr. Jackson is Ann Coulter, who recently wrote, dropping grenades between names, that we should kill anyone who smiled on Tuesday and forcibly convert the rest to Christianity (presumably so that Ms. Coulter will have more company when ignoring Jesus). Also in featured performances on the song are the Reverend Jerry Falwell and founder of the Christian Coalition, Pat Robertson, who both recently made headlines by making the shocking declaration (click here for MP3) that America "deserved" the heartbreaking catastrophe that occurred September 11, 2001. (In doing so, they finally came out of the closet as being of the ilk of their Brother-in-Christ Fred Phelps.) There is also a "special, hated guest star" (no, dear readers, not Diana Ross).

MICHAEL JACKSON:

INTRODUCTION:

I dab mascara from my whittled nose and tearful eyes

While looking upon the dusty clothes from the debris

The most horrific thought occurs as I stop to realize:

With a war, who'll go to the store and buy my new CD?

FIRST VERSE:

New York lies melting yon, like my once-unsinkable, bust career

I surmise that Elton John proved something unthinkable just last year

With a "tribute song," I can't go wrong in making the impossible appear:

A Michael Jackson song that an eager throng actually wants to hear!

CHORUS:

Though sort of sad, people dying's a golden opportunity

To take advantage of what really matters – great publicity!

Because maudlin lyrics and self-promotion through feigned generosity

Just draw attention to what really matters – ME! ME! ME!

(Chorus of prepubescent boys in swimwear: You! You! You!)

JERRY FALWELL:

Faced with any calamity, four out of five religious fanatics agree

Any senseless tragedy's a chance for you to see your pious mug on TV

My fundraising's faltered, so I have altered my get-rich strategy

Instead of invoking Satan, I put the blame on the American citizenry!

CHORUS:

Though sort of sad, people dying's a golden opportunity

To take advantage of what really matters – great publicity!

Unctuous indignation with our own nation and practiced sanctimony

Just draw attention to what really matters – ME! ME! ME!

PAT ROBERTSON:

The Taliban? They're only what I am – without a pleasant tan cardigan.

Imagine my liturgy against the Islamic clergy in peasant Afghanistan

Because when a foreign clod speaks for God, it really makes me sick

When you appropriate, the blessed Lord for hate, you're stealing my shtick!

CHORUS:

Though sort of sad, people dying is a golden opportunity

To take advantage of what really matters – great publicity!

Unctuous indignation with our nation and practiced sanctimony

Just draw attention to what really matters – ME! ME! ME!

OSAMA BIN LADEN:

BRIDGE

My overworked shrink tells me, as the youngest of fifty, I'm desperate for attention

Hence the yen to be on CNN – and killing innocents for Peter Jennings' mention

Due to what I say I despise, the American way with enterprise, I've got lots of dough

To finance a jihad in the name of a God whom I'll never, ever know!

ALL:

Though sort of sad, people dying is a golden opportunity

To take advantage of what really matters – great publicity!

Through

OSAMA BIN LADEN:

Killing wonderful, innocent people!

MICHAEL JACKSON:

Selling a tired album!

JERRY FALWELLl:

Shameless self-promotion!

PAT ROBERTSON:

Keeping those love-offerings flowing!

ANN COULTER:

Threadbare Clinton bashing!

ALL:

Just draw attention to what really matters – ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!